shop, eight hours in the scorching sun, and then 30 bucks at Captain D’s—
eating the fish we didn’t catch.
Me: Nope, no way, ain’t gonna happen!!
At the bait shop.
Casey: I need a new rod and reel.
Hannah: I need one, too.
Me: Bad idea. See, shiny new stuff scares the fish away; our old rods are
much better.
Melissa: Our old rods was one cane-pole that you had when we got
married; I threw it away. Get whatever you want and put it on the counter,
kids; I’ve got the Lump’s Visa card and--WE’RE GOIN’ FISHIN’!!!
Casey & Hannah: Yaayy, Mom!! Mom told the Lump!
If you want to catch a wife, Visa Platinum is the best bait. Cast a five grand
limit card anywhere in the U.S and reel in a wife—they swallow the bait,
though.
Melissa: A bucket of chicken is all I needed to catch your father: “The big
one that won’t go away.”
Back in the car.
Me: Melissa, did you see those ladies in the bait shop?
Melissa: Yeah, what about them?
Me: I guess I’m getting old; they didn’t even cast a glance at me when I
went by. I just don’t lure them in like I used to.
Melissa: Maybe you should try live bait.
At the Fishin’ hole.
Me: Casey, are you fly-fishing?
Casey: Uh, no.
Me: Then zip up your pants.
Melissa gets my cork set in the water at just the right spot. Melissa does all
my casting ever since the “how did your son get that hook in his ear?”
episode at the local emergency room.
I get a bite and jerk with all my might. This slings the cork, minnow, and
hook into the trees.
Casey & Hannah: Look, he’s fishing in the branch again. Leaf us some fish,
Dad!
Melissa: You moron, why are you jerking the pole like your dragging in
Orca, Moby Dick, and Shamu all at once? Your cork never moved. Do we
need to go over the cork-goes-under-then-you-got-a-bite principle again?
Me: But Melissa, my cork went plum outta sight!
Melissa: Your hat fell down over your eyes, A-hole.
Me: Ahab. It was Ahab that chased Moby Dick.
Melissa: Whoever.
The fishless ride home.
Me: Captain D’s again.
The Famugly: Yeah, we go fishin’; we eat fish. Remember, that’s what we
tell everybody.
