Watching Naked Ants Ants have moved into our home. They were not invited; they just slipped in through the cracks—like Jehovah Witnesses. Note to self: A 22 rifle is an inefficient ant removal method, but it will scare off J.W’s. Me: Melissa, these ants are taking over our home. I want them gone. Melissa: They probably feel the same way about you. Melissa takes the ants side against me. She’s been brainwashed by popular theory; Melissa thinks all worker ants are women. This is not true. I had an ant colony when I was young. It looked like an aquarium, except it was only a half-inch wide. Instead of water and fish, it had dirt and ants. I tried putting fish in the ½-inch wide aquarium. I would place the fish in one end, and they would swim to the other end—and stop. The fish could not turn around, and they can’t back up. I stacked about eleven goldfish on each end before switching to ants. A ½-inch space between two panes of glass was great for ants. You could watch the ants left and right for 24 hours a day, which I did. Ants are not as interesting in private as you might think. Even as a kid, I had a hard time thinking of ants as naked. Imagination breaks down after about four legs. Back to worker ants being women. As I said before, they were naked. The idea of boy and girl ants, even naked, is…difficult. I would take my ant colony into the sunlight and peer at the little six- legged insects with a magnifying glass in one hand. This would make the ant very mad. If I stared for very long, the ant would burst into flame—temperamental. All the ants were working. The ants built a room for food storage; they built nurseries, and they built a room for the queen—no Sports Bar. There is nothing to do if you are an ant, but work—no Sports Bar.   Another popular theory is the, “ants can lift ten times their own weight.” This is a huge generalization. I have scorch-watched some puny ants who couldn’t lift more than eight times their own weight. I have also burned the Pecs off some buffed up ants who could dead lift twelve, or perhaps thirteen times their own weight— before I watched them. Bodybuilder ant that I’m watching through my magnifying glass: I feel the burn!!.........Poof! Melissa: Let me get this straight. This column started out with you whining about the ants in your bathtub for the umpteenth time. Me: Yeah…so? Melissa: You then spiraled into watching naked ants with a magnifying glass until they caught on fire? Me: Yeah…so? Melissa: When’s the last time you took your medication? Me: Yeah…so?