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Is there a T.V. too big to watch? I believe there is; we bought it for
Christmas last year.
Toad and I went to Big T.V’s-R-Us—just too look mind you.
Toad: Right.
We entered the store, and it was wall to wall and floor to ceiling big
screens. Big yellow tags hung on each television telling the shopper
how easy it is to own your very own home theater system.
Toad and I stepped into the lobby, and I implemented my exit strategy.
Yes, I came with a plan.
Me: Let’s go.
Simple, yet ineffective.
Toad: We just got here Lump. I’m going to look; you can go sprawl out
in the car if you don’t want to see the big T.V’s.
Oh yeah, I’m going to abandon my checkbook with Melissa in an
electronics store unsupervised. I wouldn’t have enough money left to
jump head first off a bridge.
Problems soon followed. The large screens send out thought inhibiting
signals. Pictures of oversized sports events are coupled with subliminal
messaging.
1000 Big Screen T.V.’s: Buy me. I am the light and the way. Buy me.
You will never be sad again. I am the way.
Me: Run Toad! Run! It’s a shopper trap! Quicksand for the checkbooks
of the slow-witted: A.K.A. us.
Too late.
Toad: Go away ugly little man. The big T.V.’s love me, and I love them.
I reached for Melissa’s arm, but I was distracted by a 12’ Bay Watch
beach scene: yards of flesh and only inches of bikini. Pamela Plastic
filled my mind with…happy thoughts.
Me: The big T.V.’s love me too Melissa. Buy, buy, buy…they are real.
We found a 12-year-old electronics expert to help us make the right
purchase for our wallet.
12-Year-Old Expert: No payment for a full year. We deliver.
Toad & I Chant in Unison: We want the biggest one you have. We’ll
worry about the money after a year of bliss. Help us find happiness.
The biggest is not always the best. Our Mitsubishi Home Theater
System, with Pro-Surround Thunder, rests in one-half of our small living
room, which is now the theater room. Our sofa and chairs are
scrunched up against the opposite wall. If you sit on the couch, the
coffee table sits in your lap.
Mitsubishi Big has its back to the doorway. You must come through a
jungle like tangle of wires to enter the theater room. There is a dead cat
hanging in a tangle of wires at about head height. I tried to free him
when he was still thrashing about. I couldn’t save him; lightning jumped
from his claws and his eyes were playing re-runs of Gilligan’s Island.
Mary Ann still looks good, even burned onto the retina of a cable-
choked, 20lb, yellow tabby cat. I think I may need help.
Our first theater experience was a family viewing of Top Gun. The
sound blew out all the windows in our small room.
Casey, my 14-year-old son, cried. Hannah, my 11-year-old daughter
went catatonic.
Toad: At least the TV keeps her quiet.
We replaced the windows twice before giving up. We now watch
television under an electric blanket. It actually adds realism to winter
scenes, but it is strange to hear Melissa’s teeth chatter while watching
12’ giants playing beach-volleyball.
Most shows are unrecognizable. A five-foot Jennifer Anniston nose, at a
distance of twelve inches, nose hair swaying in time to rapid breathing,
is not as grand as you might think. It’s hard to tell a rosy cheek from a
beach sunset when size is all.
We remedied the situation by placing a two-hundred dollar, 19”Zenith
Color T.V. on top of the big screen.
The Surround Thunder has left my family almost totally deaf, so we now
read the four-foot close-captioning letters scrolling across the bottom of
the big screen, and we glance up at the 19” to see who’s speaking.
Our Big T.V: I am the way. You will love me. Oh, by the way, your first
six hundred & eighty-nine dollar interest only payment is due.
We need to buy something else. All the happy has went out of our Big
Screen purchase.